I am in a constant state of quandary over something. That something is trying to discern at what point loving someone and helping them turns into enabling. What the heckfire does the word enabling actually mean in the context of Christian parenting and modeling God's love??? I want to know. There is a fine line there and I can't find the balance. I cannot find it, did you hear me?? I've searched and searched, read and read, prayed and prayed...loved toughly, loved without ceasing, loved in the face of scariness. Loved with my money, loved with my heart, mind, and soul. Is there such a thing as loving someone too much? I ask that at the risk of sounding like a Doris Day love song. Does there come a time when love has to be curbed, restrained, withheld in the best interest of the one you love? Can a Christian parent "over" give to an adult child who cannot seem to find their own way or does "loving well" mandate that I keep keep keep keep on giving to stay in keeping with God's will for me? I am so not good at it. Being a mother is fraught with mixed feelings and this one has stumped me for so very long and I am growing weary. My soul screams these questions. I just can't find the magic equation.
8 comments:
Popcorn,
Wow. These are some of the toughest questions there are. For some reason I see this as almost a mirror image of the issue of how to deal with elderly parents. One is dealing with the afflictions of being young, the other of being old. One is a weakness in spirit, or lack of wisdom, the other can be simply a weakness in body; health and lack of cognition. With the former, people often grow stronger, get wiser...grow older. With the latter, we never really get better, ultimately, we pass on. We all wind up undergong some change, one way or the other. At least with the younger people there is always Time, which defines being young in the first place. Having time on your side is a source of Hope, don't let go of it.
I don't know what "enabling" is, other than what it implies. I mean I'm not quite sure what the psychobabble definition of the word is. I assume in this case the word is being used in a negative sense, meaning if someone you love is compelled to cut themselves, you don't bring home a box of razorblades as a gift. But that is really just a ridiculously obvious and trite answer. But perhaps in a subtler sense, and under the right circumstances, it might mean don't leave the person alone in a room with sharp objects. Or, don't give them any money because if you do they're going to go out and buy sharp objects and cut themselves. But where is the harm in providing a minimum of shelter, clothes, food, MEDICAL ATTENTION, for the least among us, never mind our own flesh and blood. You are right about there being a fine line, which you will be able to draw with God's help, but there is no such thing as loving too much when you are talking about unconditional love. It's not a question of Loving too much.
To quote Forest Gump: "I am not a smart man, but I know what love is".
I'll pray for you Popcorn.
Popcorn, I think you already know something of the answer to your question or else the question wouldn't have occurred to you in the first place!
One of the characteristics of love is putting the other person's interests ahead of our own (Phil 2:3-4). This is not a very profound observation on my part, but I think it's the answer to your question. Loving well means doing what is best for the other person. It is often hard to figure out exactly what that is! In a sense, enablers do what is best for themselves. They help others mostly to make themselves feel better, perhaps because they feel guilty or because they feel like they've failed somehow.
This is especially true for parents. We see our children's problems as our fault, so we try to protect our children from the consequences of their actions by taking them ourselves. This "enables" the sin and prevents them from escaping from it. It's not helpful in the end. Loving them requires us to figure out what is really best for them and do that, regardless of the consequences to us. That's what God does with us. He doesn't protect us from the effects of our sin but does what ever it takes to get us free.
Popcorn - my heart hurts for you and I wish there were a bright line test to show the difference between enabling and loving.
Unfortunately - loving probably does include enabling to some extent.
I agree with Majorsteve and Rob - but let me also add that if we are dealing with an adult child -- after a while... you must establish some boundaries to avoid having your heart ripped out.
Love boundaries...a strange concept for a mother - whose unconditional love will always reach out to a child. I'm not saying don't continue to reach out - but you do have a right not to have your heart broken time after time.
Not sure this makes sense. but..I love you.
Like I mentioned on SC's blog a while back, I'm no parent... But my family is going through something that has brought the enabling vs. loving question to mind for me, and my family, as well.
My mom's brother (she's got 8 brothers and sisters): an adult, younger than my mom, but in his forties I think, was doing drugs for a while. And then...and I can't get into specifics...but he put his family's life in danger, his wife and his two kids. His wife pressed charges and there's a restraining order, and long story short he was in jail for a short while.
My grandparents bailed him out, though they had no money to do so, and are letting him live with them. This has all happened after he's asked his family (all the brothers/sisters and their spouses) for money time and time again, where does it go?, has had his drivers license removed, car taken away, time and time again. No job. Can't hold one down. The family helped him get to a doctor for diagnosis. Won't get the medication he needs because he can't afford it. And won't obey the restraining order. The family tried a help center. He refuses to go back.
Anyway, all this to say, my grandparents won't kick him out of their house. We're concerned for their safety, as well as his family's safety. Everyone just seems to be at the end of ideas to help. Nothing has worked.
What should my grandparents do? What should my family do?
I know that doesn't answer your question at all, but maybe by giving that situation to you, it could help you think of what advice you'd give my grandparents, or help you compare to whatever situation you find yourself in, and then maybe that would help answer your question. And if you've got any advice for my family, I'm happy to hear it!
Thanks everybody for your loving comments, Majorsteve, you are so right concerning the provision of basic needs. Shelter, food, medical care...Rob, your advice on taking a hard look at what is best for the loved one in the long run is priceless. Yes, yes, that's where the focus should be. Alas, easier said than done at times. And SCL, yes yes boundaries oh my that's the hardest part. Drawing a line in the sand is so hard when you gave birth to the soul that you are trying to tell, "hey, come no closer than this" and what you really want to do is hold them and never let them go. I love you too dear friend. Thanks thanks thanks for your words, all of you.
FancyP-whew, everything you said about your uncle sounds very very familiar. So I will give you the drill, what your family needs to do...but your grandparents will never do because it's too hard and especially for that generation. They especially have no clue what addictions to alcohol and drugs do to a person's brain. They can't grasp that they aren't dealing with the original son, but a different incarnation of that man as a result of his damaged brain. Two factors: His age, and the fact that he has put his family in danger drive my advice to your family: Refuse to help him in any way. Can he live with your grandparents? NO. He should not be helped AT ALL. He should just simply be told NO to every question he asks except, will you take me to church, mass, or an AA meeting. He will never get better if anyone helps him, he has to help himself.(if no one else is there to bail him, he has the best chance of turning in despartion to God who has to change his heart, no one else can it is a spiritual disease) His wife is smart to have that restraining order in place. Many times those prove flimsy and hard to enforce but it is a starting point and sends him the right message. Only God can help him. He needs to feel total rejection from his lifelines. Here's the hardest hardest thing: his family has to totally let go while realizing that the story may not have a happy ending. But he isn't living a very pleasant fairy tale and their acts of mercy only perpetuate satan's stronghold on his heart. The very twisted nature of problems like this is a testament to satan's position as the author of all lies...he twists the loving actions of a family towards a hurting member into tools of destruction instead of help. The whole cycle of a person ensnared in the trap of drug use is a hideous glimpse into hell itself. I'll be lifting your uncle up, as well as your grandparents, and all of his sibs., his wife, and his children. Thank you for sharing that. I think there's spiritual merit in dragging these products of sin into the open, out into the light, Exposing it and asking for help and prayer from Christian friends is such a divine release from any shame satan wants us to hide away.See FancyP, I know all the right answers, but it's the follow through that is tough.
Pop, thanks for the advice. I wondered about blasting that story out into the open blogosphere, but I'm glad I did, and I'll relay your advice to my mom. You're right, though, I don't think my grandparents will do it. =-)
Fance, if you're uncomfortable with it hanging here, just delete it. : ) I more than anyone in the world, would totally get that.
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